no baby

its been a week since jay got Anthony back for me. ever since then i've been spending all of my time with Anthony he is 6 now and he knows alot for his age. i talked to the foster parents and i have him permanently now. it feels unreal that i finally got him back . i thought that, that day would never come but look it did. we talked alot this past week and i learned alot about him . he and jay has a lot in common like he likes red and jay does to . they both love rap music and lot of other things. jay treats him like he was his own . 
i explained to him about the baby and how he was gonna have a little sister . he seemed happy about it. i have asked about his real dad (lyndell) but i just played around the question because i dont want him to know about lyndell stupid ass . jay has been telling him that he was his real dad and Anthony is not stupid so he aint falling for it. i called my family when i found out that i was gonna keep him for good. i called them and told them the news i even told my dad  and he felt stupid because all that shit he talked last time . that i s what he get anywho i dont wanna talk about him . today me and jay and anthony are going to Houston to go get my sister because she is moving to new york with us. Anthony  knows some  of the peple in the family like solange, mama, daddy, kelly and jay . he haven meet angie or ty and kayla  and the rest of them . we got on the plane at 4 something and we arrived in Houston a few hours later and we went to the house . when we walked in solange ran right to me
(solo)bb i missed you 
(bey)i missed you too *hugs her*
(solo)and look at my handsome nephew *picks Anthony up* did you miss aunty?
(anthony)yes 
(solo)awww
(bey)so did you pack everything 
(solo)*put anthony down*yea it just a few little things that i have to get, and bey your getting big how mant months are you
(bey)8
(solo)wow 
(bey)yes, the doctor said i could give birth anyday 
(solo)oh god we dont need that 
(bey)right where momma
(solo)kitchen 
(bey)ok
i still cant believe im a aunty i love my nephew to death . when he got tooken from bey was one of the most saddest days in my life but now he is back so there is no need to worry about the past .im moving to new york with bey because of a mistake that i made i dont know what made me so stupid to do what i did. my mom knows about it i just hope she dont tell bey . i want to tell her when the time is right because she has been in my situation before so it might be easy or her to understand and i just want to tell her on my own time.
i walked into the kitchen with a big smile on my face and i ran and hugged my mom. i noticed that she wasnt in the mood because usually she be more happy to see me then i am but today she seemed mad or something. she was washing dishes and i stood by her  and looked at her for a while until she was finished. when she got done she just walked past me she didnt even acknowledge me  so i guess she was made at me .what did i do now i dont know. but im determined to  find out . my mom went upstairs to her room and i waited about 10 minutes and i went up there to and sat on her bed she was reading a book.i was nervous to say anything because with my mom if you talk to her when she is mad she will go OFF . 
(bey)mom..?
(tina)yes beyonce *sighs*
(bey)whats wrong .. did i do something to make you mad
(tina)im not mad at you bb ok
(bey)then whats up?
(tina)just leave me be ok 
(bey)but..
(tina)im not gone tell you again
(bey)fine i love you 
(tina)i love you too
i went back downstaris to where jay and anthony was playing together it put a smile on my face to see them interacting together like a father and a son is supposed to . lyndell probably never would treat anthony the way jay does . even though i cant stand lyndell and i said i dont want anthony around lyndell. i still want anthony to see him at lease once . thats still his father . i dont think jay is gonna like it i need to talk to him and explain why. i told solange to take Anthony upstairs with her. me and jay sat in the living room in silence . i was playing around with my fingers trying to find a way to tell him with out him getting mad or anything. after about 5 minutes i finally spoke.
(bey)jay i want lyndell to see anthony 
(jay)what.. why?
(bey)i know you keep telling him that you are his dad but jay lyndell is still his biological father and i just think that it would be nice or anthony to at least see his dad once in his life  . now dont get me wrong i dont want anything to do with lyndell i just feel that this needs to happen
(jay)so when do you want to do this ?
(bey)now
(jay)fine but im coming 
(bey)thats fine *kisses him*
i got anthony situated in the car seat thing in the car then i got in the passenger seat and waited for jay because he said he had to go to the bathroom ..when he came back we headed to lyndell how im surprise jay aint ask how i still no where he lived at . when we arrived i got anthony out and i knocked on the front door jay was followed behind us. when lyndell opened the door her was surprise to see me he treid to give me a hug but i pushed him away.
(lyndell)*looks at jay then back at bey*so this is who you with?
(bey)thats none of your business
(lyndell)so what the fuck you here for 
(jay)nigga dont talk to her like that
(bey)jay calm down it aint worth it
(anthony)mommy i wanna leave
(bey)we are baby. lyndell this is your son anthony
(lydell)ok..?
(bey)your such a asshole come on *grabs anthony hand*
i grabbed anthony hand and we went to the car jay stayed and was talking to lyndell . when i was in the car i was crying because i dont understand how he could act like he dont care well i should of known he would care . i wiped my eyes and sucked it up like i wasnt crying because jay was coming back to the car. the ride back to the house was quiet i didnt want to talk about nothing so i just went in my old room and fell asleep
wow, the shocked me to see him act as if he dosent care. i mean i only known the lil boy for a week and i love him as if he were mine lyndell is a bitch ass nigga . to act like that . bey went in the room and me and anthony talked about lyndell. he said that he dosent like him and he wanted me to be his real dad i told him that i would always be his dad . and that put a smile on his face . i cant wait to till me and bey have our own baby together so i cant wait till next month so i can see my baby girl. i t was still early afternoon so i decided to take anthony out and do something while bey was sleep. we went to get ice cream then we went to the park and threw the football back and forth and for him to only be 6 that boy can throw good , when we got back to the house everyone was eating so i made me and ant a plate . after everyone was dont eating . me bey and ant went in the room and started watching tv until we all fell asleep.
i woke from my sleep because i felt wet i felt all over . then it hit me that my water broke . i woke jay up . and he rushed me to the hospital . i forgot about all the pain. i was in labor for about 14 hours and it was time . the doctor told me i could have only to people besides jay and i just brung my mom along . i had to push 4 times . and i didnt hear no crying even when the doctors hit her butt there was nothing . they rushed her into another room and i was so confused about what was going on .
(bey)mom whats going on
(tina)its gonna be ok baby dont worry about it
(bey)whats wrong with my daughter i didnt hear any crying is she ok  
(jay)baby calm down she is gonna be fine 
about a hour later the doctor came back and he slowly walked . i knew it was going to be nothing good. the doctor came over to me and held my hands and said "ms. knowles your daughter didnt make it we tried everything we could but nothing worked" when we said that i felt like i just wanted to die this can be true or possible my baby can not be dead 
3 days have passed this i lose my baby i've been very depressed and sad i havent been eating as much as i usually do. i can tell that jay is sad about it too he just is not showing it . we are back in NY with solange . she cried about it as well and it only made me cry even harder . i keep trying to tell myself that she is in a better place and that maybe it wasnt the right time but nothing is working i  loved her and i didnt even know her . i was planning on having a relationship with her like me and my mom. i was excited about everything then she just had to leave me . im happy anthony is here because if he wasnt then i would have lost both of my kids

TO BE CONTINUED